Discernment Counseling is for couples on the brink of divorce and living in two painfully different emotional worlds. Typically, one is “leaning-out” having openly expressed a desire to leave the marriage; the other is “leaning in” and expressing a desire to save it.
It’s not about solving marital problems, it’s about determining whether they are in fact solvable.
Sometimes one or both partners are not sure they have the motivation to work on their relationship. Sometimes it seems like it’s not fixable. Discernment Counseling is not about solving marital problems, it’s about determining whether they are in fact solvable.
Discernment Counseling provides a forum to see if there is a middle ground between the two positions. It seeks to help each identify your pain points and develop the tools to communicate them to each other with clarity, confidence, and caring.
Here are some frequently asked questions about Discernment Counseling
It's for couples who want to give their marriage one last chance
Discernment Counseling is for couples living on the brink of divorce. That is to say, they are considering divorce but are not completely sure if it's the right path for them. In most cases one of the partners is “leaning out” and the other is “leaning in”. Discernment Counseling offers couples a way to “hit the pause button” so they can take one more look at their relationship before making a permanent decision with long term consequences.
In Couple’s Counseling both partners are willing participants in working to repair their relationship. Discernment Counseling is for partners in painfully different places, where one of the partners is “leaning-out” having already expressed a desire to leave the relationship.
Couples Counseling is focused on helping willing couples solve their problems. Discernment Counseling is focused on helping couples determine if there is a clear and confident decision to either end the relationship or fully commit to its repair.
Couples Counseling is generally opened ended in length. Discernment Counseling is a well-defined, short-term process of five or fewer sessions.
The short answer is yes. The Discernment Counseling process was developed by the Couples on the Brink Project to address the concerns of married couples in the legal divorce system. However, any couple in a committed relationship would benefit from the process, particularly if they are raising children together and are concerned about the impact of a break up on their children.
Discernment counseling is considered successful when each partner has gained a deeper understanding of themselves and their respective role in what has happened to their marriage, and have developed the clarity and confidence to reach a decision that allows each of them to move ahead with your lives in a healthy way.
While It would be wonderful if all troubled marriages could become healthy and satisfying for both partners, that’s not always possible. In some cases, this deeper understanding opens doors to a possible reconciliation, while in other cases one or both partners decide that divorce is the best option.
Research at the University of Minnesota’s Couples on the Brink Project has found an overwhelming majority of couples reported they felt more calm, clear, and in control of their decisions after Discernment Counseling… no matter which path they chose in moving forward.
The typical Discernment Counseling process requires a maximum of five sessions. The first session is usually 2 hours, and it's highly structured to get the answers we're looking for – 30mins. together, 30mins. with each partner individually, and a 60min. recap to confirm next steps. Subsequent sessions are 90 minutes. Both partners need to be present for the entirety of the sessions
Absolutely not. One of the huge benefits of Discernment Counseling is that there is no assumption that you want to work on your relationship.
Discernment Counseling provides couples a process to carefully explore their option to do nothing at this time, fully commit to its repair, or end the relationship.
Again, absolutely not. You are not signing up for a lifetime, but you do have to "want to want" it to be repaired and be willing to commit your full attention and best effort for the agreed-upon period of time. You are simply agreeing to see if, with new insight and renewed effort, you can repair your relationship to a place that works for both of you.
A bird's eye view of your relationship Discernment Counseling can give you both a bird's eye view of your relationship - the role you played in how it got to where it is now; and can help you bring clarity to conversations about re-shaping, repairing, and restoring the relationship you desire.
Before you decide that divorce is the only option, consider the benefits you and your partner stand to gain by participating in the Discernment Counseling process.
- Clarity and respect for each other's perspectives
- A greater understanding of the past, and a clearer focus on the future
- Communication skills that give you both a chance to be heard, and make difficult conversations less scary
- A renewed sense of purpose and desire
- A shared vision for the future
- A rebuilt trust, making it possible to regain hope for the future
Discernment Counseling can provide you clarity and confidence in which of three paths to choose with regard to the future of your relationship:
- Stay the course: Both partners agree to continue the relationship as is and see what happens
- Repair the relationship: Both partners agree to participate in an “all-hand-on deck” effort to repair the relationship through couple’s therapy – which may also include individual therapy
- End the relationship: One or both partners agree that after thoughtful consideration divorce is the best option
If there is even a modicum of desire for one of you to explore the option of repair, it will be well worth the effort for both of you to participate in the Discernment Counseling Process.
Research at the University of Minnesota’s Couples on the Brink Project has found an overwhelming majority of couples reported they felt more calm, clear, and in control of their decisions after Discernment Counseling… no matter which path they chose in moving forward.
Discernment Counseling won’t work if:
- One spouse has already made a final decision to divorce
- One spouse is coercing the other to participate
- When there is danger of domestic violence
- When there is an Order of Protection from the court
LET’S CONNECT
If you want to find out more about how Discernment Counseling can help you better understand yourself, your role in how your marriage got to where it is, and what to do next; connect with me to schedule a free 30-minute consultation. I can answer any questions you might have, about Discernment Counseling and see if we’re a good fit to help you move forward in a respectful way.